I’ve tried to write blogs many times, but every time I try to start one, it invariably fails. I’m not quite sure why that is. Maybe it’s because I don’t quite have the stick-to-it-iveness needed to write a blog. Maybe it’s because I haven’t yet found a topic on which I have enough passion to write for long enough to maintain a blog, entry after entry. Maybe it’s because I keep trying to write a blog for other people, and, in reality, I need to stop caring about what other people think. Instead, I need to focus on writing about what I need to say, rather than what others need to hear, because what do I know about what other people want or need to hear?
This blog isn’t for you, this blog is for me. This blog is for me to get my thoughts out in a coherent form, in an attempt to perhaps make some sense of what’s going on, and, perhaps, figure out how best to proceed from this point going forward. Some of these blog entries will be written while sitting at the computer, in stream-of-consciousness format, simply sitting down and writing what comes to mind. Some of these will be thought out ahead of time. Perhaps I will think of a topic, take notes, and write it as though one would write an essay, with a coherent beginning, middle, and end. Even my stream-of-consciousness essays may have a beginning, middle, and end, because that’s the way I tend to think. Some may be written in bed while incapacitated and in pain, unable to move. Some may be “written” while in the car, dictated over a microphone, as this one is, then later transcribed, when I have a chance to sit down and type it out. (Those last might have a different timbre, since you’d think my speaking voice is different from my writing voice, but really, they’re not much different when I know they’re words I’m intending to put to paper.)
The friend who specifically recommended I start a blog, this time, has her own serious travails to go through these days, and she has started a blog of her own and finds it beneficial. I have, many times before, been recommended to start a journal or blog in order to write out my thoughts, to narrate what’s going on in my life, to put my thoughts in order. And of course, such people who tell me to keep a journal tell me that I should just write down what comes to mind. It need not make sense. It need not have any structure or order. I need not put it online nor even save it as a document on my computer. If I write it out, I may shred the pieces of paper and throw them away so there need not be any written record. (I realize at this point that saying “need not” this many times in a row sounds rather silly, but I think I’ll keep it in there, so you have an idea of *chuckle* how I speak, even when I’m simply speaking aloud to a recording device for later transcription.)
But those people don’t know me, or at least, they don’t understand me when it comes to the way I process my thoughts. To me, if no one reads it, or if there is no chance someone will read it, there is no purpose in writing. I can never write simply for my own benefit – there must be someone who can read it. And if I publish this blog and not a single person reads it, that’s fine. The point is, it’s out there, to be viewed, and it’s not hidden away where no one can see. If I write things out and I keep them stored where no one can find them, why write them out in the first place? That’s how it works in my brain as regards to me, at least – I know that’s not how it is for everyone.
So I am grateful that you, you, are here reading this, because you’ve entirely validated me writing this, here, now. I don’t need to know you are here; it’s enough to believe that you’ll have gotten here someday. As with other things, I cannot perform unless it is for someone else’s benefit (and yes, that is an important statement, which I will be sure to revisit in the future), so I’m glad you’re here.
Thank you.
Life in Pain and Perfidy 